I wrote this blog post on my phone on the 14th April 2019 half way through the preparations to leave my job, move in to my new flat and start my new job. I was too busy at the time to transfer it on to my computer and post it but now I’m all settled in to my new job and flat I feel like it’s about time I do post it.
This is an insight in to what goes through the brain of someone with anxiety during major changes in life. It’s not pretty and reading it back I even think I sound crazy but this was my reality and it’s the reality for many people with anxiety. I’m ok now I’ve come out of the other side. I’m loving my new flat and new job but preparing to head in to the unknown is not fun. Yes a person with good mental health might have seen these changes as exciting but all I felt was fear and dread. I had a little voice inside of me that would not stop saying “what if this all goes to shit?” and that little voice was fucking powerful. Anyways, without further ado this is what was going on in my mind a month ago…
On the week beginning 25th March 2019 I made a huge decision to finally come out of the house share game and move in to my own flat. That very same week I got a start date for my new job after waiting 3 months. A week later I found my dream flat.
So in amongst all this crazy I’ve been having health issues and not just my old friend mental health. This time my new friend physical health has been kicking my ass. I slipped a disc in my back at the beginning of April. I got put on co-codamol which let me tell you is no good if you have anxiety related IBS. Seriously I was trapped between a rock and a hard place where I either chose back pain or stabbing pains in my tummy every time I ate, so not fun! Thankfully 2 weeks of no moving and handling at work and slowly moving my way through my fast paced life has eased it up a bit.
Anyways, tangent aside 3 bloody big life changes. I say 3 because I see leaving my current job that I love and the clients I support as a big life change as well as the new job and new flat.
Now it’s a well known fact (that my mother once pointed out) that my anxiety levels go sky high and I go a bit crazy during any big life changes. Now let’s times that by 3, oh god!
So far I’ve got serious sleep deprivation. You know when you can’t get to sleep because you’re worrying or you fall asleep then wake up in the middle of the night anxiety ridden? It can’t be just me who gets this right?!
Another thing that is slightly but probably shouldn’t be surprising is that everyone wants to celebrate. Which yeah ok it’s good news but mate you really don’t want to be there on my meltdown days when I’m knee deep in panic attacks and suicidal thoughts because it’s all just too big and overwhelming for me.
And the planning, all the bloody plans! Now the great thing about anxiety is that you’re not in a position to wing anything in life so you have Plan A to flippin Plan Z firmly in place because you know, aliens might attack during the house move right?!
So there’s dates in the diary on when to buy things, there’s countless online panic shops (on only the most affordable sites of course), the internet is set up 3 weeks before I move in, yes I’m THAT girl.
Preparing to move in to your first home solo as a 30 year old single girl with anxiety isn’t easy but on the up side you get to do an independent sassy strut around B&M whilst buying crockery.
As for leaving my current job to start a new job, I’ve got an emotional rollercoaster ahead of me. I’ve got 6 days left at my current job and I’m about to start my last ever sessions this week. There’s some last ever sessions that will be gutting to leave and leaving the clients will break my heart. The clients really do bring so much joy to my life and they can always put a smile on my face no matter how shitty I’m feeling.
I’m trying not to think about the new job (my head space is filled with pans and kettles right now, literally) but I know the anxiety monster will rear his ugly head in time. Jokes on him though because I’ve already booked 2 therapy sessions for my last week in my current job and first week in my new job and the anxiety monster is yet to conquer over my therapist’s super powers (because she actually is Superwoman).
Anyways this is where I’m at. Yes it’s real and it’s raw but what I want you to take away from this post is the reality of what happens when a person with anxiety goes through big changes. If you’re reading and you have anxiety maybe on some level you can relate. Or if you have loved ones with anxiety I hope that reading this gives you an insight in to their heads. As you all know by now I don’t sugar-coat anything and that is the way I will always be, my authentic self.