The whole point of my blog(and my facebook overshares) is so that someone somewhere will think ‘me too, I’m glad I’m not alone’.
Well on Thursday night whilst watching First Dates on E4 I had a ‘me too’ moment. There was a girl on there, can’t even remember her name and I swear she was a paler more well-spoken version of me.
She started talking about her anxiety and everything she said I was just thinking ‘yes, that’s me!’. She spoke about wishing that her anxiety was a physical illness like a broken leg. I’ve said for some time that I’d rather have a permanent broken leg than chronic anxiety because at least people can see and understand a broken leg. The girl started talking about how her anxiety has effected previous relationships and I’ve experienced the same difficulties with previous partners as well.
It wasn’t just what she spoke about that I related too though. On the outside she was so bubbly, funny and seemed so relaxed and comfortable in herself. No one would ever suspect that she has severe anxiety. Thing is though this is exactly how I appear. I told my housemate a few weeks ago that I consider myself to be an introvert. My statement was met with shock and a “you’re really not”. But like her I can be fun and bubbly on the outside whilst inside I’m bricking it. As someone with anxiety it takes a lot out of me to be that sociable, fun, bubbly person and yeah I have to admit it is often a front I put on till I get to know someone. This is why I like to spend time on my own in order to recharge my batteries. This girl didn’t talk about this so I can’t say that this is how she feels but if me and her are as similar as it appears then chances are she just might.
Seeing her made me realise that I’m not alone. She made me realise that the way I am maybe isn’t all that abnormal, weird or as I commonly refer to myself as ‘quirky’. She was exactly like me and I saw her as charming, cute, fun, lovely and beautiful. Which made me think, what if people see me as all those things? What if I’m not seen as the odd ball at work? What if people don’t think I’m a complete fruitloop? What if my anxiety is a part of me that doesn’t make me different in a bad way? What if my anxiety isn’t a fault? What if it is just seen as another aspect to me alongside all the other things that make me, me? So many questions, I can’t wait till my next session with Mary(my therapist) to discuss all this!
So I guess all that’s left to say is, to the girl on First Dates, thank you! Thank you for giving me my much needed and muchly appreciated reassuring ‘me too’ moment. You really are an amazing human being!